Short answer: Praise works best when it's specific, sincere and about what your child did — their effort, strategy, kindness or progress — rather than what they are (“so clever”, “so talented”). Research suggests that praising intelligence can make children more afraid of failing, and that over-the-top praise can backfire for children with low self-esteem. Often, simply describing what you see and giving your full attention is the most powerful praise of all.
Your child shows you a drawing. You say, “Wow, how lovely! You're so good at drawing!” It's kind, and it's well meant. But over time, this kind of praise can work against you.
Praising ability vs praising effort
In a well-known series of experiments, children who were praised for being clever after a task were more likely to choose easy tasks afterwards, and after a setback they enjoyed the work less, persisted less and performed worse than children praised for their effort. They were also more likely to see intelligence as something fixed.
The logic is simple. If you're “the clever one”, every difficult task becomes a test of who you are — and failing would prove you're not clever after all. If you're praised for working hard, a difficult task is something you can do something about.
“You're so clever” turns every test into a verdict on who you are. “You worked really hard on that” makes it something you can influence.
Phrases that work
- “You kept going even when it got hard.”
- “I saw you try that three different ways.”
- “How did you work that out?”
- “Tell me about your drawing — what's happening here?”
- “You helped Sara when she fell over. That was kind.”
- “You're not there yet, but you've got further than last week.”
- “You put your shoes on all by yourself!”
What to watch out for
Don't overdo it
“That's the most beautiful drawing I've ever seen!” isn't believable to a six-year-old. Research on “inflated” praise found that it made children with low self-esteem less likely to take on challenges — perhaps because it sets a bar they feel they can't keep reaching.
Don't praise everything
A child who is praised for every mouthful and every step starts tuning it out. Save specific praise for things that took effort or that you genuinely want to see more of.
Avoid comparisons
“You're better at this than your brother” ties your child's worth to winning. Compare with their own progress instead.
Watch the focus on looks
Conversations with children — especially girls — can slide quickly to how they look. Notice how often that happens, and shift some attention to what they do, think and make.
Describing is enough
You don't have to judge everything. “You've made the whole sky purple!” is often better than “Lovely!” — it shows you really looked, and lets your child decide how they feel about it.
Praise and discipline
Specific praise is also one of the most effective discipline tools. The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends “catching children being good” — noticing and naming good behaviour and good tries — because attention strengthens the behaviour it's given to. “You waited so patiently while I was on the phone. Thank you.”
The praise that counts most
Attention. Putting your phone down and really looking for thirty seconds does more than the best-worded compliment called out from across the room.
Children don't only hear what you say. They notice whether you looked.
Related reading
- Fear of failure: when your child is afraid to get it wrong
- Punishments and rewards: what works in the long run?
- Helping your child name their emotions
Building confidence that lasts: Confidence for Life (PDF, English) is about raising a child who dares to try, dares to fail and believes in themselves.
Sources
- Mueller CM, Dweck CS. Praise for intelligence can undermine children's motivation and performance. J Pers Soc Psychol. 1998;75(1):33–52. doi:10.1037/0022-3514.75.1.33.
- Brummelman E, et al. “That's not just beautiful — that's incredibly beautiful!”: the adverse impact of inflated praise on children with low self-esteem. Psychol Sci. 2014;25(3):728–735. doi:10.1177/0956797613514251.
- American Academy of Pediatrics, HealthyChildren.org — Disciplining your child.
Written by the Bloom Guides editorial team. Last updated: 19 October 2026. General information only.