Helping your child name their emotions

Short answer: Much difficult behaviour in young children comes down to a big feeling with no words. Naming feelings for your child (“You're cross because the tower fell down”), accepting the feeling while limiting the behaviour, and building a vocabulary for emotions over time helps children understand and manage what they feel. Do the naming before and after a meltdown, not in the middle of it. Avoid “don't cry” and “it's not that bad”.

Hitting, biting, screaming, lying on the floor: very often that's what happens when a feeling has to come out and there are no words for it yet. That's why learning to name emotions isn't fluffy. It's practical equipment.

Why naming helps

When a feeling has a name, it becomes something you can talk about, rather than something that just happens to you. In brain-imaging studies with adults, putting feelings into words reduced activity in the brain's alarm response to upsetting images. Children learn this skill gradually, first with your help and later on their own.

It also works as parenting practice. In a trial of the “Tuning in to Kids” programme, parents of four- and five-year-olds learned to notice, name and talk about emotions with their children. Afterwards, children understood emotions better, and parents and teachers reported fewer behaviour problems.

“You're cross because the tower fell over.” That one sentence does more than telling a child ten times to stop crying.

What to say

  • Name what you see: “Your fists are tight. I think you're cross.”
  • Link it to the cause: “You're sad because we have to leave the park.”
  • Accept the feeling, limit the behaviour: “It's OK to be cross. It's not OK to hit.”
  • Offer an alternative: “You can stamp your feet, or say ‘I'm SO cross!’”
  • Stay without fixing: “That's really disappointing. I'm here.”

What to avoid

  • “Don't cry.” It teaches that feelings are wrong. They don't go away — they just go out of sight.
  • “It's not that bad.” To your child, it is. What's small to you is big when you're four.
  • “Big girls/boys don't cry.” Some adults still hear that sentence decades later.
  • Fixing it straight away. The urge to make it better quickly takes away the chance to learn that a feeling can be survived.

Build the vocabulary

Start with four: happy, sad, angry, scared. Then add more: disappointed, frustrated, jealous, nervous, proud, embarrassed, relieved, lonely. The more precise the words, the better a child can understand themselves — and tell you what's going on.

  • Use books and films: “How do you think he feels now? How can you tell?” It's practice without it being about them.
  • Play face games: make a surprised face, a cross face, a worried face, and guess each other's.
  • Use a feelings chart with pictures for younger children, so they can point when words are hard.
  • Talk about bodies: “When I'm nervous, my tummy feels fluttery. What happens in yours?”

Say your own feelings out loud

This may be the most powerful of all. “I'm frustrated because this won't work. I'm going to take a deep breath.” You show that adults have feelings too — and that you can do something with them.

Timing matters

A child in the middle of a meltdown can't take in your words. Naming is mostly for before (“You look like you're getting frustrated”) and after (“You were really angry just then”). During: stay close, say little, keep everyone safe and wait.

And it takes years. You're planting something now that grows slowly. It's normal for a five-year-old to still need help with this, and even older children lose their words when feelings run high.

When to ask for help

Talk to your health visitor, GP or your child's school if your child's feelings often seem overwhelming for long periods, if they seem very anxious, low or withdrawn, or if outbursts are frequent and intense and not improving with age.

Related reading

For the big feelings of the toddler years: Understanding Toddler Tantrums (PDF, English, ages 1–4) helps you stay calm and connected while your child learns to handle strong emotions.

Sources

  1. Havighurst SS, et al. Tuning in to Kids: improving emotion socialization practices in parents of preschool children — findings from a community trial. J Child Psychol Psychiatry. 2010;51(12):1342–1350. doi:10.1111/j.1469-7610.2010.02303.x.
  2. Lieberman MD, et al. Putting feelings into words: affect labeling disrupts amygdala activity in response to affective stimuli. Psychol Sci. 2007;18(5):421–428. doi:10.1111/j.1467-9280.2007.01916.x.
  3. NHS — Temper tantrums (helping children let their feelings out).

Written by the Bloom Guides editorial team. Last updated: 19 October 2026. General information only.

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