Short answer: Punishment can stop behaviour in the moment, but it doesn't teach children what to do instead, and harsh punishment — smacking, shouting, shaming — doesn't work in the long run and can cause harm. Rewards help when used briefly to teach something specific, but constant rewards can wear off. What works best over time: lots of positive attention, clear and consistent limits, consequences that fit the situation, and repairing mistakes together.
You made a sticker chart. For three weeks it worked brilliantly. Now your child shrugs at the stickers and asks whether there's something bigger to earn. Sound familiar?
What rewards do — and why they can wear off
Rewards can be useful. The NHS suggests rewarding good behaviour with praise or small treats, being specific about what you liked, and only giving the reward after the behaviour — a reward given in advance is a bribe.
But there's a catch. A large review of 128 experiments found that expected, tangible rewards tended to reduce people's own interest in an activity, and that this effect was stronger in children. Specific positive feedback, on the other hand, increased interest. In other words: “You put all the blocks back — that was a big help” tends to last longer than a sticker.
Rewards work best to teach something new: one clear behaviour, for a short period, then phased out as it becomes a habit.
A reward is scaffolding, not a foundation. You take it down once the building stands.
What punishment does and doesn't do
Punishment can stop behaviour in the moment, which is why it's tempting. But it doesn't show your child what to do instead. And harsh punishment carries real risks:
- Smacking. The American Academy of Pediatrics advises against all physical punishment: it is minimally effective in the short term, not effective in the long term, and linked to more aggression and other problems later. Physical punishment of children is banned in dozens of countries, including Scotland, Wales and the Netherlands.
- Shouting and harsh words. A study following nearly 1,000 families found that harsh verbal discipline at age 13 predicted more behaviour problems and depressive symptoms a year later.
- Fear of getting caught. In a study of three- and four-year-olds, children from a strongly punitive school were more likely to lie about breaking a rule — and better at keeping the lie going. When honesty is expensive, children learn to hide.
What works better
Attention for what goes well
The AAP calls attention the most powerful tool for discipline. Behaviour that gets attention tends to continue, so notice the moments when things are going fine: “You two are playing so nicely.”
Clear limits, said positively
“Feet on the floor” works better than “Don't stand on the sofa”. Fewer, clearer rules are easier to keep consistently.
Consequences that fit
Not a random punishment, but a consequence connected to the behaviour, explained calmly in advance and followed through. Throwing toys? The toys go away for the rest of the day. Riding off without a helmet? The bike stays in the shed today. Never take away something your child truly needs, like a meal.
Repair instead of penalty
Broke something? Fix it together. Hurt someone? Ask what that person needs now. That teaches responsibility rather than fear.
Prevention
Plan ahead for hard moments: tired, hungry, bored or overexcited children struggle more. Preparing them for what's coming prevents a lot.
What about time-out?
A short, calm time-out can be a useful tool when a clear rule is broken — as a chance to calm down, not as banishment. See time-out or time-in.
Where the line is
Physical punishment, humiliation, laughing at a child or labelling who they are (“You're so naughty”) all do damage. If you've done any of these in a hard moment, you're not alone — what matters is repairing it and finding another way next time.
What you're building is a child who does the right thing when you're not watching. There's no sticker for that.
When to ask for help
If your child's behaviour is causing a lot of distress at home, or you're worried about how you respond, talk to your health visitor or GP. In the UK, Family Lives (0808 800 2222) offers free parenting support.
Related reading
A calmer way to set limits: Boundaries with Love (PDF, English) is about being clear without shouting, punishing or endless negotiation.
Sources
- NHS — Dealing with child behaviour problems.
- American Academy of Pediatrics, HealthyChildren.org — Disciplining your child.
- Sege RD, Siegel BS, et al. Effective discipline to raise healthy children. Pediatrics. 2018;142(6):e20183112. doi:10.1542/peds.2018-3112.
- Deci EL, Koestner R, Ryan RM. A meta-analytic review of experiments examining the effects of extrinsic rewards on intrinsic motivation. Psychol Bull. 1999;125(6):627–668. doi:10.1037/0033-2909.125.6.627.
- Talwar V, Lee K. A punitive environment fosters children's dishonesty: a natural experiment. Child Dev. 2011;82(6):1751–1758. doi:10.1111/j.1467-8624.2011.01663.x.
- Wang MT, Kenny S. Longitudinal links between fathers' and mothers' harsh verbal discipline and adolescents' conduct problems and depressive symptoms. Child Dev. 2014;85(3):908–923. doi:10.1111/cdev.12143.
Written by the Bloom Guides editorial team. Last updated: 19 October 2026. General information only — not a substitute for advice from your health visitor or doctor.