Short answer: Some children are so afraid of getting things wrong that they avoid trying, freeze in tests, or redo work until it's perfect. It often comes from a mix of temperament, past experiences and a strong focus on results. At home, praise effort and strategy rather than marks or talent, talk about your own mistakes, prepare for nerve-racking situations together, and acknowledge the worry rather than dismissing it. If anxiety affects school attendance, sleep or mood, talk to the school and your GP.
She doesn't want to enter the reading competition. She says it's stupid. But you can see she'd love to — and that she's terrified of not doing well.
Signs to look out for
- Tummy aches or headaches before tests, presentations or matches.
- Avoiding new things, or saying they “don't feel like it”.
- Rubbing out, tearing up or redoing work until it's perfect.
- Giving up quickly: “I can't do it anyway.”
- Going blank in a test when they knew the work at home.
- Being very upset by criticism or by losing.
Where it comes from
Usually from a combination: a more anxious or sensitive temperament, experiences where mistakes felt like a big deal, and an environment where achievement gets a lot of attention — including positive attention.
That last part is the hardest for parents to hear. Research on praise found that children praised for being clever were more likely to avoid challenges and to struggle after a setback than children praised for their effort. A child who often hears how clever they are can start to believe they're only worth something when they succeed.
Fear of failure is rarely about the test. It's about the question: am I still good enough if it goes wrong?
What helps at home
Praise the process, not the result
“You practised three evenings in a row” instead of “What a great mark!” That separates your child's worth from the outcome.
Talk about your own mistakes
Real ones, from today. “I lost my place in a presentation at work.” Children who fear failure often believe adults never get things wrong.
Make mistakes ordinary
Play games where you lose and show it's fine. Celebrate a brave attempt: “You tried something new today. That took courage.” Add the word “yet”: “You can't do it yet.”
Don't ask about the mark first
Try “How did it go?” or “What was the hardest part?” If the first question is always the score, your child knows what really counts.
Prepare together
Practise the presentation at home, visit the venue beforehand, agree what to do if they get stuck. Predictability takes some of the fear away.
Give an escape plan
“If you go blank, skip that question and come back to it later.” Knowing there's a way out makes the situation less threatening.
Keep the basics in place
Enough sleep, regular meals, time to play and move. Children cope with pressure better when they're rested.
What to avoid
- “It'll be fine!” It can feel like not being heard. Try: “I can see you're nervous. That makes sense. What would help?”
- Pushing through tears. A child forced on stage while panicking learns that it really was dangerous. Build up in small, manageable steps instead.
- Letting avoidance grow. Equally, avoiding everything makes fear bigger over time. Aim for small challenges that stretch without overwhelming.
When to get help
- Your child regularly refuses to go to school, or has physical symptoms with no clear cause.
- Anxiety is affecting sleep, eating, friendships or mood.
- Your child is consistently working well below what they can do.
- Your child seems low, or talks negatively about themselves a lot.
Talk to your child's teacher and your GP. Many schools offer support for exam and performance anxiety, and talking therapies such as cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) can help children with anxiety. In the UK, YoungMinds has a parents' helpline and advice.
Related reading
Raising a child who dares to try: Confidence for Life (PDF, English) is about building a child who dares to try, dares to fail and believes in themselves.
Sources
- Mueller CM, Dweck CS. Praise for intelligence can undermine children's motivation and performance. J Pers Soc Psychol. 1998;75(1):33–52. doi:10.1037/0022-3514.75.1.33.
- NHS — Help your child beat exam stress.
- NHS — Children and young people's mental health: advice for parents.
- YoungMinds — Support for parents.
Written by the Bloom Guides editorial team. Last updated: 19 October 2026. General information only — not a substitute for advice from your GP or your child's school.