Short answer: Crying at the nursery door is very common and usually a sign of healthy attachment, not a sign that something is wrong. Separation anxiety often appears from around six months and is common in toddlers. A gradual settling-in period, one familiar key person, a short and predictable goodbye ritual (never sneaking out), and a comforter from home all help. Expect tiredness and some clinginess in the first weeks. Talk to staff if your child is still very distressed after several weeks, stops eating or drinking there, or changes markedly at home.
Your child clings to your leg. The key worker scoops them up and waves cheerfully. You walk out, and in the car park, you cry. Almost every parent has been there — and almost every time, the child is playing within minutes.
Why goodbyes are so hard
As babies develop, they realise you still exist when you're out of sight — and that you can leave. The NHS describes separation anxiety as a normal stage, common from around six months and through the toddler years. It usually eases as children learn, through experience, that you always come back.
A child who cries when you leave is a child who knows you matter. That's exactly what secure attachment looks like.
How settling in works
Good childcare settings build up gradually: first a short visit with you there, then a short time alone, then longer sessions. If you can, allow a few weeks before you need full days.
Ask about a key person — one consistent member of staff who gets to know your child. Children attach to people, not rooms. In England, the early years framework requires each child to have a key person in nursery settings.
The goodbye itself
Short, clear and the same every time
Create a small ritual: hang up the coat, one hug, wave at the window. The same order each day. Predictability makes it bearable.
Don't sneak away
Slipping out while your child is distracted can seem kinder, but it teaches them you might disappear without warning — and they may spend the day watching the door.
Don't drag it out
Coming back several times makes it harder. Say you're going, say when you'll be back in terms they understand (“after your nap”), and then go.
Keep your face calm
Children read our tension. It's fine to cry — in the car.
What else helps
- Something from home: a soft toy or muslin that smells familiar.
- Ask for an update: many settings will send a message or photo once your child has settled.
- Talk about it at home, but not too much: read a book about nursery and use the key person's name.
- Keep the first weeks calm: settling in is tiring. Expect early nights, short fuses and extra cuddles.
- Be on time for pick-up, especially at first. Being the last child waiting feels long when you're small.
Setbacks are normal
After a holiday, illness or a change at home, the tears may come back for a while. That doesn't mean settling in has failed. Return to the same calm routine. If you're about to have a new baby or move house, try to settle your child into childcare well before or after if you can.
When to raise concerns
Talk to the nursery or childminder if, after several weeks, your child is still inconsolable for much of the day, isn't eating or drinking there, or seems very different at home — withdrawn, very anxious or very angry. Trust your instincts: you're always entitled to ask how the day really went. If you're worried about your child's development or wellbeing more generally, talk to your health visitor or GP.
You're not abandoning your child. You're helping them learn that other people can care for them well — and that you always come back.
Related reading
Building secure attachment: The First 1000 Days (PDF, English) is about building a secure bond from pregnancy to age two.
Sources
- NHS — Separation anxiety.
- GOV.UK — Free early education and childcare.
- Centers for Disease Control and Prevention — Developmental milestones (reacting when a parent leaves at around 9 months).
Written by the Bloom Guides editorial team. Last updated: 20 October 2026. General information only.