Short answer: As children grow, especially between about eight and twelve, friendships shift: children choose friends more by shared interests and groups, and some friendships drift apart. It hurts, and it's a normal part of growing up. Listen before trying to fix it, avoid criticising the other child, create chances for one-to-one friendships, and make sure your child belongs somewhere outside school too. If exclusion is repeated and deliberate, it may be bullying — talk to the school. Get help if your child seems very low, withdrawn or anxious.
Your child comes home and says they spent break time on their own. Not bullied — just not asked. And that hurts in its own way.
Why friendships shift
Young children often play with whoever is nearby. As they get older, they choose friends more deliberately, based on interests, personality and group belonging. That means some long-standing friendships naturally grow apart. It's painful, but it's also how children learn who they are and what they want from friends.
Being alone isn't the same as being lonely. Some children are happy with one close friend or time to themselves. Check whether your child is unhappy — or whether you are.
What helps at home
Listen before fixing
The instinct is to say “They're not worth it” or “Just invite someone round”. Start with: “That sounds really hard. Tell me what happened.” Children say more when a solution doesn't arrive straight away.
Don't join in criticising
Today the friend is awful; next week they're inseparable again — and you've said something unkind about their best friend.
Make one-to-one time possible
Friendships grow in small settings, not big groups. Invite one child for something concrete: baking, the park, a film.
Create a place to belong outside school
A club, a sport, a youth group, cousins or neighbours. A child who feels left out in one place but valued in another keeps their confidence.
Practise social skills
“Can I join in?” is harder than it sounds. Practise at home, even if it feels awkward — and talk about what to do if the answer is no.
Mind online friendships
Group chats can make it more obvious who's included and who isn't. Talk about it, and agree what your child can do if something online upsets them. See social media and your child.
When it's more than shifting friendships
If your child is deliberately and repeatedly excluded, if things are being said about them, or if they're targeted online, that's bullying, and it needs a different response. Talk to the school; in England, state schools must have a behaviour policy that includes preventing bullying. See bullying: signs and what to do.
Talk to the school and your GP if your child refuses school, has physical symptoms like regular tummy aches, seems low, withdrawn or anxious, or talks about harming themselves.
And your own feelings
This can hurt parents more than children. If it brings back your own school memories, be careful not to lay your story over theirs. Ask first how bad it feels for them.
Related reading
Building confidence that lasts: Confidence for Life (PDF, English) is about raising a child who dares to try and believes in themselves.
Sources
- NHS — Children and young people's mental health: advice for parents.
- GOV.UK — Bullying at school.
- YoungMinds — Support for parents.
Written by the Bloom Guides editorial team. Last updated: 20 October 2026. General information only.