Short answer: If nothing happens until the fifth time you ask, children learn that the first four don't count. Go to your child, get their attention, say it once and briefly, then wait a few seconds. Fewer requests, positive instructions (“walk” instead of “don't run”) and calm follow-through work better than raising your voice. And when you do shout — everyone does — repair it afterwards.
“Shoes on.” Nothing. “Shoes on!” Nothing. “That's the fourth time I've said it!” Nothing. Then you shout, and the shoes go on. Without meaning to, you've taught your child something: the first four times don't count.
Why repeating backfires
Children learn very quickly which tone means business. If nothing happens until the fifth request, requests one to four become background noise. That's logical, not rude.
Shouting does often get results in the moment, which is why it's so easy to fall into. But it tends to stop working over time, and research links regular harsh verbal discipline — shouting, insulting, swearing at children — to more behaviour problems and low mood later on. The American Academy of Pediatrics advises against yelling and shaming as discipline.
Your child isn't a poor listener. They've learned when listening is required.
What works better
Go to your child
Calling from another room rarely works with young children. Walk over, get down to their level, make eye contact or touch their shoulder — and only then speak. It takes ten seconds and replaces five rounds of shouting.
Say it once, briefly
“Shoes on, please.” The shorter the instruction, the better the chance it lands.
Wait
Count to five in your head. Young children need time to switch from what they're doing, and we often fill that silence with another instruction too quickly.
Check it landed
“What are you going to do now?” confirms they heard, without you repeating it.
Say what to do, not what not to do
“Walk, please” is easier to follow than “Don't run”. “Gentle hands” is clearer than “Stop hitting”.
Describe instead of commanding
“I can see shoes in the hallway.” Older toddlers and preschoolers often respond to this on their own — and it feels very different from an order.
Use when–then
“When your shoes are on, we'll go to the park” works better than “We're not going unless you listen.”
Follow through calmly
If your child still doesn't respond, help them do it — gently guide their hand, or put the shoes on together — without raising your voice. Calm follow-through teaches that your first request counts.
Notice when they listen
“You came as soon as I asked. Thank you!” Attention for cooperation makes it more likely next time.
Ask for less
Try counting how many instructions you give in a morning. For many parents it's dozens. No child can comply with all of them. Drop the ones that don't really matter, and the ones that do will carry more weight.
Look after the person giving the instructions
Shouting is more likely when you're tired, rushed or stretched thin. Getting up ten minutes earlier, preparing the night before, and having a few calming strategies for yourself (a slow breath out, stepping away for a moment) all make a real difference. See being consistent when you're exhausted.
When you do shout
It happens to everyone. What matters is what comes next: “I shouted just now. That was too loud. I was frustrated, but I should have said it differently.” That repair isn't weakness. It shows your child how adults handle their own mistakes.
The goal isn't never shouting again. The goal is that shouting is no longer the only way things get done.
When to ask for help
If you're shouting much more than you want to, feel close to losing control, or your child rarely responds to anyone, talk to your health visitor or GP. Ongoing difficulty following instructions can sometimes be linked to hearing, language or attention difficulties that are worth checking. In the UK, Family Lives (0808 800 2222) offers free parenting support.
Related reading
- A morning routine without the battle
- Punishments and rewards: what works in the long run?
- Mum guilt: where it comes from and what helps
For parents who sometimes explode: Calm in the Chaos (PDF, English) is about emotion regulation for parents — less shouting and faster recovery when it does happen.
Sources
- American Academy of Pediatrics, HealthyChildren.org — Disciplining your child.
- NHS — Dealing with child behaviour problems.
- Wang MT, Kenny S. Longitudinal links between fathers' and mothers' harsh verbal discipline and adolescents' conduct problems and depressive symptoms. Child Dev. 2014;85(3):908–923. doi:10.1111/cdev.12143.
- Sege RD, Siegel BS, et al. Effective discipline to raise healthy children. Pediatrics. 2018;142(6):e20183112. doi:10.1542/peds.2018-3112.
Written by the Bloom Guides editorial team. Last updated: 19 October 2026. General information only — not a substitute for advice from your health visitor or doctor.