Short answer: Jealousy and squabbles between siblings are normal. They're rarely about the toy and usually about the question “am I still important?” What helps most: regular one-to-one time with each child, no comparisons or fixed labels, treating children fairly rather than identically, and stepping in firmly when anyone gets hurt while letting minor rows play out.
They're fighting over the blue cup. Not because blue is nicer, but because the other one has it. Rows between siblings aren't proof that you're doing something wrong. They're where children practise negotiating, losing and making up — with the safest people they have.
Why it happens
Every child keeps a tally of how much of you they get, and from their point of view it rarely comes out in their favour. Differences in age, temperament and needs add to the friction: a four-year-old and a one-year-old simply want different things from the same afternoon.
When a new baby arrives
A new sibling changes your eldest's world. Research reviews find that children respond in very different ways: some become clingier or less affectionate towards their mother for a while, some go backwards in skills such as toileting or sleep, and others show hardly any change at all. A temporary step back — wanting a bottle, baby talk, accidents after being dry — is common and usually passes with patience rather than pressure.
“I want the baby to go away” isn't wickedness. It's honesty. Be glad your child feels safe enough to say it to you.
Fair isn't the same as equal
Dividing everything exactly — the same number of presents, the same bedtime, the same minutes of attention — often backfires, because children start measuring and someone always comes up short. A more workable rule: each child gets what they need. “You can stay up later because you're seven. When you were four, you went to bed at seven too.”
What helps day to day
- One-to-one time. Ten minutes a day with each child, undivided, phone away. Small, regular and predictable beats one big day out.
- No comparisons — including positive ones. “Why can't you be like your sister?” and “You're the easy one” both put children in competition.
- No fixed roles. The clever one, the wild one, the sweet one: children tend to live up to their labels.
- Acknowledge the feeling, limit the behaviour. “You're cross that he knocked your tower over. Being cross is OK. Hitting isn't.”
- Give them shared jobs. Laying the table together builds teamwork better than ten talks about being nice.
- Notice when they get on. “You two built that together. That looked fun.”
When a row breaks out
Don't always step in straight away
If no one is in danger, wait a moment. Children who sort out small conflicts themselves learn more than from a parent acting as judge.
Skip “who started it?”
You usually didn't see the start, and the question teaches that it pays to complain first. Try: “I see two children who both want the same car. How can we sort this out?”
Treat them as a team
“You can work out together how to share it, or the car goes on the shelf until after tea.” That takes the prize out of the fight.
Step in for hurting
Hitting, biting or real fear are not up for negotiation. Separate the children, calm everyone down, and only talk once everyone can think again.
Preparing for a new baby
- Talk about the baby in concrete terms: where they'll sleep, that babies cry a lot and can't play yet.
- Try to make big changes for your eldest — a new bed, starting nursery, potty training — well before or a while after the birth.
- Let your eldest help with small, real jobs: fetching a nappy, choosing a song.
- Avoid “You're the big one now.” It can feel like a burden rather than a compliment.
- Keep one fixed thing that belongs only to the two of you, and protect it.
- Never leave a baby alone with a toddler, however sweet it looks.
More in preparing your eldest for a second baby.
When to seek help
Talk to your health visitor, GP or your child's school if one child is consistently the target, if there's frequent physical violence or real fear, if a child becomes withdrawn or very anxious, or if the conflict is affecting the whole family. In the UK, Family Lives (0808 800 2222) also offers free parenting support.
Related reading
- Learning to share: why toddlers find it so hard
- Biting, hitting and pushing: how to respond
- Helping your child name their emotions
For families with more than one child: Siblings: From Rivals to Allies (PDF, English) covers mediating conflicts, understanding jealousy and truly seeing each child.
Sources
- NHS — Dealing with child behaviour problems (life changes such as a new baby).
- Volling BL. Family transitions following the birth of a sibling: an empirical review of changes in the firstborn's adjustment. Psychol Bull. 2012;138(3):497–528. doi:10.1037/a0026921.
- American Academy of Pediatrics, HealthyChildren.org — Communication and discipline.
- Family Lives — Parenting and family support.
Written by the Bloom Guides editorial team. Last updated: 19 October 2026. General information only — not a substitute for advice from your health visitor or doctor.